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Written by Uche Azubike on behalf of Jamilya

I associate my confidence very closely with my mentality. The more my mentality is challenged and I overcome those challenges, the more my confidence grows. There are other external factors that boost my confidence such as my surroundings i.e. the people I’m around, social media etc. I’ll take you through a timeline of my journey to being the overtly confident being that I am today.

A KID AT HOME

I’ve always been the chubby kid, the one that always ate more than usual, the one that was always a bit bigger that the rest of my friends. In addition to that, being from Jamaica meant our food was heavily laced with oils and seasons. Pork and chicken were a daily occurrence. However my mum never ever made me feel like that was an issue. She would literally douse me in compliments telling me that I was ‘chubby and cute,” “really pretty.” For me, nothing beats a mother’s approval. A lesson she was always adamant to teach me was to never let anyone walk over me. When my older sister would make sly comments about my weight. This made me very defensive from a young age.

I’ll insert an interesting fact about my mum here: my mum made me wear my first thong when I was 11!

A KID IN PRIMARY SCHOOL

My mum’s protection could only cover me so far. In primary school, my weight was a constant subject of relentless ridicule especially by the boys. You’d think this would make me feel a kinda way about myself but in fact the opposite. Rather than wallow in self-pity, I looked at the positive side to being the “bigger girl”. I was bigger than them, meaning being able to beat them up was highly likely, and trust me when I say I wasn’t hesitant to do so because don’t forget, I was very defensive. Being big was actually my protection. I would say that the only insecurity I had was my lack of femininity. I hated wearing skirts and my socks would always roll down because I was chubby and I just wouldn’t want to do the cute girls stuff that my friends were doing. I preferred dancing.

I remember putting myself forward for a major role in my primary school play and students had to vote who they wanted to lead. The option was between me and the slim, pretty, light-skinned girl and of course the majority of the class voted for her. I only had about 5 hands going up. To my surprise the teacher intervened and said “I think Jamilya should lead.” Being chubby meant that my diaphragm was bigger, I was louder and my voice was stronger. It ended up being the popular, pretty light-skinned girl that was my back up singer and dancer.

Another interesting fact: I had to wear a tight dress with my stomach bulging out. I even ripped the dress a bit and was afraid to return it but I had the time of my life in that play.

Before I left primary school, my head teacher said, “when I talk people will listen, as I am broad shouldered and bigger than people my age, I should use it in a positive way and not for negative.”

A YOUNG WOMAN IN SECONDARY SCHOOL

Fast forwarding to secondary school - I was even bigger and better.

I loved playing the quiet girl as my mums previous partner would always say to me, ‘because I’m a big black girl not only would that make me an easy target but if I ever act out of annoyance or anger, I could easily be branded a bully.”

He really wasn’t wrong. Because of my size I was an easy target to the older kids. They never looked at me as the small, cute year 7 kid (like the others), instead I was treated more roughly and expected to hold my own forte. I remember there was an occasion where I was held by my top by a year 9 boy and repeatedly pushed against the wall because he wanted my lunch money. I had been in secondary school for only two months.

I would wear long skirts and baggy trousers as my weight starting becoming a prominent issue. When it was time to getting changed for PE, I hated it! I felt an uncomfortable because I didn’t look like the other girls. I wasn’t slim and tucked in at the right places like them. I wouldn’t roll up skirt and pop my buttons because I just wasn’t comfortable with it. By this point, my mum’s teachings were a faint whisper in my ear.

If I ever got into an argument I would be looked as the trouble maker or the bully simply because of my size and build. How fucking annoying is that? A teacher even had the audacity once to say to me ‘look at your size. How can someone start trouble with you?’

When I said before my confidence was being challenged by my surroundings because of my weight I meant it. I started comparing myself with other girls, thinking that if only I was smaller, I would be treated differently. If I were more light-skinned and behaved more feminine I wouldn’t be such an outcast. To make matters worse, getting guys was a myth and the ones I likes, never liked me.

I found myself becoming friends with the boys as opposed to girls gradually. I became a fully-fledged tomboy, my skirt remained long and trousers baggy. I really started feeling insecure and didn’t know how to recover and make myself feel beautiful anymore.

YEAR 9 THE ERA OF CHANGE

Year 9 is the year of change. Literally everyone I’ve ever come across always says that it’s in year 9 when you find yourself. It’s where the neeky girls become blatant hoes, the ratchet girls become teacher’s pets and you start to hear stories of some of the quiet girls giving the bait guys of our year oral sex in the park.

Year 9 for me was about the wrong encounters I became friends with the wrong group of girls. They were older than me and I saw them as my sisters. They had my back whenever anything came up and taught me how to stand up for myself as they saw I was being picked on. Do you know how good that felt? Being protected? They gave me confidence and being associated with them made people respect me, whether they liked me or not.

Urm, would it be a surprise if I told you that later on these girls literally ruined me and left me worse that when our friendships first began? These girls had built up a false confidence in me, and I don’t know what possessed me to do so but on one occasion I posted a picture of some sexy legs online but they weren’t mine.

One of the girls I was hanging around saw my post and this experience is what changed me and made me the woman I am today. They got everyone to turn against me in the most vicious way. My reputation was torn apart. Later on, I was stopped in an ally-way where about 8 girls surrounded me (including the older girls I used to hang with) and they literally started ganging up on me. This taught me two lessons in the hardest way possible: never let insecurities push me to prove my worth to anyone and never let anyone build my confidence as that same person can tear it down.

CONFIDENCE LOST AT HOME

Whilst all of this was going on, I didn’t tell my mum as I preferred to handle it myself. My mum was definitely a source of inspiration and confidence when growing up but as when I became of age, the same mouth she used to encourage me was the same one she used to tear me down.

As a result of everything I experienced, I decided to stop searching for people to feed me my confidence and instead I started feeding myself. Someone should only boost the confidence already have, but not be my sole provider.

I’m a big believer in being careful with my surroundings. I only opt to surround myself with people who add positivity to my vibration. Even with that being said, I know that even without them, I’m still fly as fuck and I can still rock it on my own. Had I lost weight through all these experiences I would be a conformist. Even if I didn’t have a reason to be fat just because it was done in such a malicious way I wouldn’t do it. Even God teaches, before confidence in him, we need to have confidence in ourselves.

Your sincerely,

J.Heron